The Callous that Broke my Back

Uh oh. Why did I try to pumice the callous off my big toe? I felt a familiar sharp grip, twinge and instantly weakening pain after lifting my right leg and bending slightly at the waist.

My back feels like an unstable stack of Jenga blocks, teetering around and ready to tumble at any moment. I took one of the 800 mg Acetaminophen pills prescribed for my Thailand trip. I didn’t think I’d need them here at home. I'm supposed to fly in a week. I’m trying to think positively.

All I can think about is how insulting it is to the Thai people to use your feet to pick things up or shove things around on the floor. That’s all I’ve done in the past twenty minutes getting myself settled to lay on the floor with an ice pack underneath my sacrum.

I’m going to take this as a sign from the Universe that it’s time to slow down and read the booklet about the elephants at Elephant's World.

It doesn’t surprise me to learn that elephants have extremely close family bonds, only separated by death or capture. Perhaps the part of me that still craves to belong to a family since my divorce is hoping to be welcomed into the herd of elephants. 

It’s interesting to reflect back on my decision to volunteer in Romania at an orphanage when I was feeling so abandoned after my husband left the marriage. I identified with the children, searching for love and belonging, wandering around with open arms, will you love me? That was long before I'd learned the healing value of loving myself.

Maybe this life-long connection I’ve felt to elephants has been about belonging. Although, since the spiritual retreat in Ojai with Ronda LaRue ten months ago, I have not felt the empty ache of loneliness I’d carried with me for years since my divorce - or perhaps even longer. With Ronda's guidance, I traveled back in time and healed the wounded thirteen year-old who felt abandoned and lost in the world from my parent's divorce.

Day 2 Flat Out

My meditating, communing with the elephant spirits, praying and positive expectations have not yet had a miraculous effect on my back. I can barely walk. Sitting upright on my cushioned sofa for 5 minutes is painful. How the hell am I going to endure a fifteen hour flight? How am I going to carry a suitcase, walk the night market in Bangkok and carry pails of fruit for the elephants?

All of my health fears centered around food poisoning and deadly tropical diseases. It never occurred to me that my back might go out.

I’m seeing a Chiropractor tomorrow who has the Cox Flexion Distraction table and I’m praying for a miracle.