It's days away from my divorce being final for 3 years but really I feel like the day he drove off was the end. Although as I write that, I self edit to realize he'd left the marriage even a few years before when he started cheating.
So let's say it's been a while. Why would his upcoming remarriage even have any effect on me at all? What real difference does it make from them being together all these years to them taking vows of everlasting love and possibly faithfulness? (Yes, that is a sarcastic comment)
I'm not sure.
This morning, I've been reading stories of women who confirm my reaction is pretty common, just like my free fall into sex and alcohol was when I felt so broken and lost when the truth was revealed.
At 6 this morning I had a recognizable wave of nausea I haven't felt in years. Anxiety. Add to that some looping thoughts wound like fine yarn on pointy needles, piercing the peace I've worked so hard for in the past few years.
I threw off the covers I'd pulled over my head filled with swirling thoughts and decided to change my mind.
I'm grateful to have an emergency kit and toolbox full of helpful practices to help me deal with, process and hopefully eliminate any lower energetic emotions like sadness, loss and feeling like there's something wrong with me. It takes a gentle self reminder to picture the reality of what the last 2 years of marriage really looked like; walking on eggshells, daily criticism, no affection, bursts of anger and the absolute dismantling of any sense of my self worth or value.
Maybe she sparked the capacity for him to have integrity and communication. Maybe he's found the love of his life. Maybe he'll repeat the same pattern as in our marriage. There are a thousand maybes. None of them are welcome in my mental landscape for more than a moment. They don't serve a positive purpose for me and my forward motion.
I've always been a person who was in love with the past and it's still a constant and deliberate practice to scoop myself back up to the present moment when I find myself looking back and nestling comfortably into technicolor snapshots of the past.
If there's one thing I've learned in my life as much as I wanted to prevent it; everything changes. Life itself is only possible because of change. The seasons we go through of growth, blossoming, harvesting, decay and death are all necessary for the evolution of all life.
I will gather up my soul gardening tools of self-love, asking for support, changing my thoughts, tapping, journaling, chord-cutting, breathing and gratitude to deal with any invasive mind weeds as they may sprout up.
I can choose peace instead of this.